Ultrarunning and Life, the Game of Inches

It's well past my bedtime, but I'm awake and I can't stop thinking about running. I keep playing out Badwater in my head: what it must be like to run the race. If I close my eyes, I can see Death Valley. I am running and I can see the road ahead narrowing off into - where? What lies beyond the road except more road? And I can hear the patter of my own feet as they come down on the blacktop. Feel the heat radiating against my legs, and not just my legs, but everywhere really. The inescapable grasp of some awesome power. My God. The One I pray to before every run. The One to whom I offer up my daily sweat.

And after these visions comes the pain of the yearning, because, inevitably, the feelings turn physical and all I can do, as always, is go for a run.

Now, I've just finished watching a clip on YouTube. It is from the football movie, "Any Given Sunday." Al Pacino plays the coach of an NFL team, and towards the end of the movie, he and his team find themselves in an impossible situation: they are down and have little chance of coming back to win. During a locker room break (the locker room break, the typical sports movie Big Speech Moment), Pacino gathers his players and coaching staff around to deliver one last speech.

It's is one of the most stirring, powerfully affecting speeches I've ever heard in a sports movie partly because it avoids most of the sentimental traps typical for the genre (it still remains recognizably a Big Speech Moment) and partly because Pacino is still capable of delivering a tough, fine performance.

He talks about football being a game of inches, how when you find yourself in the depths of hell, when you are down and out, all you can do is fight to claw your way out, inch by inch. You have to be willing, he says, to fight and die for each inch.
Anyone who has suffered hard to get to where they want (need) to be knows, instinctively, what he means. It's not just about football. His words get under your skin and even deeper - they get down to the bone - because he is talking about life. He is talking about you and me and the game we all play.

I've come to realize how trivial and unimportant Badwater must seem to many (most) people. But surely there is something in your life that burns you up, consumes you. Surely you've wanted something so badly that you were willing to do anything to make it real. I think the desire to achieve - and eventually, the striving for that achievement - is what largely defines our characters. What we do defines who we are. What's your goal?

The goal should be something worth striving for. Something that gives us great satisfaction. Something more substantial and enriching than money, fame, or sex. Maybe the goal is to help others: that must be extremely satisfying. Maybe it's to climb a mountain or cross a desert. Maybe it's to be a good father or mother, a devoted wife or husband. Whatever the goal is, and there can and should be several in our lives, we should desire it passionately, and then strive for it inch by inch. Live for it and love it. And maybe one day we can look back and say, "I've done it. I've accomplished something worthwhile."

That must make for a good life.

On the road to Badwater

"Now what shall seem the hill but a moment of surmounting, the height but a place to dream of something higher!"
-The Climb, Winifred Welles

I'm having a reality check. After successfully completing Rocky Raccoon 100 last week, I felt a surge of pride. I immediately wanted to sign up for other races. Big mountain races. I felt invincible. Now, I'm deflated. I realize that I am not yet ready for these bigger races that are out there. Rocky Raccoon was just one of many steps needed to get to where I want to be. I recognize my accomplishment in finishing, but I also recognize that there is still so much work to be done.

I have certain goals (Badwater). In order to achieve those goals, I have to be at a certain level. I have to be good enough. Right now, I am just not good enough. I'm not. That is hard to digest after a big race like Rocky. It's always hard to recognize your weaknesses. But, the truth is the truth. It cannot be ignored. 100 miles at Rocky Raccoon is nothing. Nothing. I mean, yes, it is something. But it's also nothing.

Rocky Raccoon is one of the easier 100 milers out there. True, there is no such thing as an easy 100 mile race, but consider this: there is really no comparison between Rocky and some beast of a race like like Hardrock. Get what I'm saying? Just because I did Rocky does not mean I can jump to something like Hardrock or Leadville without seriously altering and specializing my training. It's a matter of taking things step by step. Measured progress.

Could I have finished Rocky without my pacer and crew present? Probably not. Could I have done it on tougher terrain? Could I have done it without Lisa Smith-Batchen saving my ass at mile 40? I don't think so. I need to get to a point where I can do these things for myself. I need to get smarter about ultrarunning and I need to get in better physical condition.

This is not me being negative. It is me being realistic. I knew, when I started this ,that things were going to be difficult. I knew it was going to take a lot of work, and that progress would be slow-going. It has taken me two and a half years to do a 100 miler. How much longer will it take me to get to Badwater?

I don't know. But, I want to utilize my time as efficiently as possible so I can get to Badwater as soon as possible. I'm not saying I want to rush into things. Ultrarunning is about patience and discipline. My problem is not lack of patience. Nor is it lack of heart. I want Badwater more than anything. There has not been a day that has gone by in the past two years when I haven't thought about Death Valley. I want it so bad that it almost hurts.

But, I am my own coach. I train by myself. Help is all around me and I am so grateful for the people in my life that teach me what it is to be an ultrarunner. However, in the end, I am responsible for my own progress and retrogression. No one is going to do the work for me. This is my journey. I am the one at the helm.

So what am I going to do? Specifically, what am I going to do to get to Badwater? What steps am I going to take? That... That is something I need to think about... I have all the tools and knowledge at my disposal. Time to figure it out.

More New Year's Resolutions

As New Year's Eve draws closer, I am still finalizing my list of resolutions for 2011. I think I have come up with a manageable list. I think all fo these things are doable. Here they are:

1. Lose some weight - first order of business, and I'm getting started now. Over the period of law school final exams, due to poor eating habits and low activity level, I put on about ten pounds. I need to get back to my racing weight. This will entail cutting back a little on the calorie intake, basically.

2. Finish at least three 100 milers - Self-explanatory. (Related, see #4 and #5)

3. Finish Rocky Raccoon 100 - I DNF'd this course last year, mostly because I was totally unprepared for the 100-miler mentally. But, now that I know what running 100 miles entails, I think I have the mental fortitude to finish.

4. Sign up for, run, and finish Leadville 100 - this is the year I want to make some definite strides towards Badwater. Leadville is a part of that progress. I can't say for sure what piqued my interest in Leadville; all I know is that I have my heart set on it, and I can feel that it is going to happen.

5. Go vegan - this is the big one. I have been thinking about this for a long time, ever since my friend explained vegetarianism to me back in Austin about 6 years ago. In the past year, I have done a lot of research on veganism and the benefits of a vegan diet and I think it will be good for me. I am very excitied about this one.

7. Get published - I plan to write a lot more for this blog and hopefully my writing will get picked up by Ultrarunning Magazine or Marathon & Beyond or Trail Runner Magazine. I have already made some definite progress dowards this goal. My story on Lisa Smith-Batchen's run across America got picked up by Marathon & Beyond and will be published in the July/August issue!

8. Do R2R2R - I really want to run the Grand Canyon. However, this resolution is negotiable. Money-permitting, I will do my best to make it happen during Spring Break (mid-March). However, Leadville expenses will take priority.

Mission Possible

Running saved my life. And that's the truth. It's how I lost weight, and it's how I got out of my depression. Now, when I'm angry or down, I run. When I need to free my mind, I run. When I need to cleanse my soul, I run.

I am not the fastest runner, nor do I have the most endurance. Far from being a "born" athlete, I struggle daily to get better, stronger, fitter. But, I do have a dream, a goal, for which I am willing to go the ends of the earth to achieve. That dream is to run the Badwater 135 Ultramarathon.

For those of you who don't know what that is, an ultramarathon is any running distance over 26.2 miles - standard marathon distance. Most ultra races are 50k, 100k, 50 miles, and 100 miles.

The Badwater Ultramarathon is 135 miles long. The toughest thing about Badwater is not just the length of the race, but also the conditions. It takes place in Death Valley in the middle of the summer, when temperatures can reach over 120 degrees. The pavement gets so hot that the soles of your running shoes can literally melt!

People come from all over the world to run this race every year. These are elite, world-class athletes. My heroes. In order to run Badwater, you have to submit an application and be accepted. I do not have the credentials to apply. Yet.

This blog is my journey to Badwater. My journey to my dream. I don't know how long it will take me, but someday, I will toe that particular starting line. Here we go...